I felt like I was being tortured

Although a bone marrow transplant (bmt) is done to potentially save someone's life, it is quite excruciating to watch. I watched my daughter literally be killed. This is what a bmt does. Between the chemo and/or radiation, your body's ability to produce blood is destroyed. So basically, without constant transfusions, the person would actually be dead.

And then there were years of endless and horrible invasive procedures and her hovering between life and death. It was like torture watching this. I feel like my eyes can never rest anymore. I've seen such terrible things. My daughter went through so many physical changes. She was the neighborhood "freak" for awhile. She lost all her hair, her eyes were dead, she had jaundice so she turned almost completely yellow/orange (even the whites of her eyes), she is full of scars.

How does a person recuperate from seeing this? Does a person recuperate from seeing this? over and over and over again. Every day was waking up to another day of watching my daughter suffer.

My heart hurts all the time.

The Last Freedom - To Choose... To Choose

I copied this from Victor Frankl “Man’s Search for Meaning” for Cristina because she just thinks that she "survived" cancer... she doesn't fully realize it's not whether you survive or not... it's HOW you do it...

This excerpt is from the book I told you about… He was a famous psychoanalyst and concentration camp survivor of several concentration camps. The only family of his that survived was his sister. He lost everyone else.

This is what he writes about being in the concentration camps: where it is in bold are the parts that made me think of you and all the ways you maintained your grace, dignity, humor, style, class and indomitable spirit, including just these few examples: how you thanked everyone all the time, found humor, and LEAPED on the fact that you ate 3 more string beans that day…

* * * * *

“…But what about human liberty? Is there no spiritual freedom in regard to behavior and reaction to any given surroundings? Is that theory true which would have us believe that man is no more than a product of many conditional and environmental factors – be they of a biological, psychological or sociological nature? Is man but an accidental product of these? Most important, do the prisoners’ reactions to the singular world of the concentration camp prove that man cannot escape the influences of his surroundings? Does man have no choice of action in the face of such circumstances?

We can answer these questions from experience as well as on principle. The experiences of camp life show that man does have a choice of action. There were enough examples, often of a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may be have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

And there were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom… in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influence alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him – mentally and spiritually. He can retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevski once said, “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom – which cannot be taken away – that makes life meaningful and purposeful.

Beauty Feeds the Soul, Heart and Mind

One of the most difficult things during my daughter's illness and recovery was the absolute misery and suffering that filled my eyes. Nothing like a transplant unit and a hospital to see very little other than pain and suffering. My daughter's room faced the back of the hospital. The "view" from her window was the back of the hospital and a bunch of gray pipes, etc. There was virtually no natural light. For approximately 20 minutes on a sunny day, there would be one stream of light that would come into her room on the window sill.

It was right in that place that I put a big bouquet of silk flowers. All around the room I put photos of family and friends so no matter where we looked, we were surrounded by love. I would go outside sometimes and sit in the sun and just look around at the green grass, sunshine, flowers, listen to the birds. I would very consciously take in as much beauty as I could to bring back to her. I did that a lot with dancing also. Store up all the energy, beauty and joy to bring back to her whether she was at home or at the hospital.

I've been reading some stuff that says that Beauty increases the feel good hormones serotonin and increases endorphins. I didn't know it at the time, but probably doing that is what helped save both of our lives. Even in the concentration camps, at times of war, during slavery... all the hideous things people have done to each other, people have had the resilience to dance, sing, create.

I believe that it is Art (in all its forms) that makes life liveable. No matter the circumstances, bring Beauty into your life. That's why the artwork I do here is so fun. I love looking at it, sharing it and it feeds my soul.