I Learned the Art of Being

Maybe that's the hardest thing to do. Just "BE." Considering a lot of the events in my life, my bend of nature, my "karma," I think one of the hardest things to do (or not do) is BE.

I learned a lot about that during Cristina's illness and recovery. That's some of why I love dancing. Because in the middle of the whirling around, there's this immense Silence and Stillness and you just ARE. I also had to learn as much as I could about it because there were so many, many, many times over the years of Cristina's recovery, when words were completely insufficient, unnecessary and absolutely none to say. The only thing to do was to BE there with her.

I remember one time, when Cristina was totally on the complete edge of complete and total despair, the only thing I could think to say to her was that she ate three more string beans that day then she did the day before. There was absolutely nothing else to say. She, being who she is, of course, leaped right onto that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

There were also times of such complete and utter pain that there were no words. There still ARE lots of times, which I think I'm experiencing now, when words just don't do it. Or maybe it's gotta be words that help and heal said in voice that is full of life and energy. I'm very sensitive to the energy in peoples' voices. Sound is very important.

And I have tinnitis. But that's a whole other story.

When will I be Happy?

When I was young, due to a number of family issues, my being happy seemed to make my mother unhappy. It was as if, by being beautiful (everyone young is beautiful!) it was a threat to her. She was miserable and depressed and felt like life had passed her by. I remember a friend of mine saying that I must have had a tough time growing up because of my mother's attitude not only toward life, but towards herself and me. She never lived her dream (singing) and didn't seem to want me to live mine.

Anything I did to make myself feel good or happy, she always found a way to make me feel guilty. So, I've mostly spent the first half of my life not being happy because somehow this threatened my mother. Yes, I'm grown, but obviously still have some major issues.

NOW, especially since my daughter's illness, I feel guilty if/when I'm happy about something if she's not happy. She's very lonely and isolated in many ways, so I feel that if I find someone fun to date, that it's not okay. I am stuck between the generations. My daughter does absolutely nothing to make me feel guilty, I know it's from the past, but I struggle with these feelings a lot of the time.

I really wonder when will it ever be my turn to be happy? I know it's up to me... My mother did the best she could with her life and being a parent and my daughter wants me to be happy. I truly am my own worst enemy. I must learn how to be my own best friend.