When will I be Happy?

When I was young, due to a number of family issues, my being happy seemed to make my mother unhappy. It was as if, by being beautiful (everyone young is beautiful!) it was a threat to her. She was miserable and depressed and felt like life had passed her by. I remember a friend of mine saying that I must have had a tough time growing up because of my mother's attitude not only toward life, but towards herself and me. She never lived her dream (singing) and didn't seem to want me to live mine.

Anything I did to make myself feel good or happy, she always found a way to make me feel guilty. So, I've mostly spent the first half of my life not being happy because somehow this threatened my mother. Yes, I'm grown, but obviously still have some major issues.

NOW, especially since my daughter's illness, I feel guilty if/when I'm happy about something if she's not happy. She's very lonely and isolated in many ways, so I feel that if I find someone fun to date, that it's not okay. I am stuck between the generations. My daughter does absolutely nothing to make me feel guilty, I know it's from the past, but I struggle with these feelings a lot of the time.

I really wonder when will it ever be my turn to be happy? I know it's up to me... My mother did the best she could with her life and being a parent and my daughter wants me to be happy. I truly am my own worst enemy. I must learn how to be my own best friend.