The Art of Movement

Working as a senior fitness instructor has really been eye opening. I never realized what it means to be sedentary and the price that it costs. I'm seeing all these seniors who aren't that much older than me who just can't move. They're overweight, and probably have never eaten anything healthy in their lives.

I used to tell my students... "move it or lose it" and I'm now really learning that lesson myself. It's really hard to move when you're in pain, tired and getting a bit depressed from being in pain and tired. Movement is what human beings were meant to do... not sit in front of a computer most of the day, then get in your car, go home and then sit in front of the tv set. Just looking around and seeing how many people have low back pain, and a variety of other "symptoms" tells you that something really needs to change. We've lost our connection to nature, and especially our own bodies. Dance is primitive, seductive, ceremonial, and joyful. What could be a better way to get in shape, not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

There's all types of dance available... from partner dancing to ecstatic dance, belly dance, nia. The list goes on and on. The important thing is to move...

Younger Women threatened by Older Women

I just had an incident the other night when I went out dancing that completely blew my mind. A young, gorgeous man kept asking me to dance. He's also a fabulous dancer, which is the main reason I dance with him. He is MUCH younger. He is friends with a woman who also goes out dancing and is also very young. She and I have developed a kind of "out dancing" friendship.

It was clear that she's friends with him, but I couldn't tell if there was anything more. But it was usually him that asked me to dance. Last week, he danced with me and then when he asked her to dance, she said "no." I have never seen her say no to anyone. It was clear at that point that something was going on.

Then, this past week, they were both there again and THEN it became clear that she was interested in him and he would not dance with me at all and was very unfriendly. She stayed by his side and watched him a lot. I saw him dance with other women, but he would not dance with me at all. It was like I was "forbidden." If he danced with me, then she would have nothing to do with him.

I couldn't figure this out and was, of course, feeling that I had done something wrong although I never came on to him, tried to talk to him or in any way indicated anything other than enjoying dancing with him. I was telling a friend about this and she said that to her, it was not that I was doing anything wrong, but that it was his response to me that made her uptight. I can't imagine that someone probably more than half my age, gorgeous, great dancer would in any way be threatened by me.

But I guess so! In a way, I'm very flattered and I am also hoping that this woman and I will continue our "out dancing" friendship. NO man is worth a friendship, and I had no designs on him. Just wanted to dance with a good dancer.

We'll see what happens next!

Dancing with the Intergenerational Stars

I'm so excited. We had our actual first rehearsal this weekend at the Evanston Dance Ensemble for the Intergenerational Performance. I've done a lot of very "challenging" things in my life. It turns out that this is going to be one of THE most challenging. I can dance, but I partner/social dance. For this dance, we are all performing together but not as partners... so there will be ways I will be performing on my own. This brings up so many issues for me.

I realize how hard it is for me to feel "watched." Maybe because when I was young, no matter what I did, it wasn't right, so being watched for me means being criticized. When we were rehearsing, I was so self conscious and that isn't even in front of people. I think I'm doing this because it is such a challenge and something that can help me overcome some of my fears and insecurities. I have to remember that this is now and that was then and that my parents were doing the best they could and I have to move beyond THEIR view of me, or really their view of themselves and find my own view of myself - for myself.

Plus, it's like I'm getting all these really valuable dance lessons for free... the only price is that I have to actually perform! Soooo Excited! Soooo Nervous!

Lots of Time to Think and Be

One of the "benefits" of being sick is I've gotten to spend a lot of time just "being." My brain has not been functioning other than to think about how tired and bored I am and trying to accept that right now I'm sick and that's just the way it is.


Hard to believe how hard it is just to accept things AS THEY ARE! I want to go out, have my life, write, dance. It's HOLIDAY time after all! But, alas, I have to lay down much of the time. My energy level is non-existent. I do a little of something, then lay down...


Drinking a lot of green tea (for the immune system), honey, lemon, pushing fluids. Not eating very much. Great for the figure, but not exactly how I would have wanted to lose weight. Miss dancing SO MUCH! That's the hardest, not to be able to dance. Maybe Sunday night. Even for a little while. Gotta TWIRL!!!!


That'll make me feel better or at least I'll get so dizzy I won't care how I feel!

A Dream Come True… I’m Going to Perform!

I work out at the Levy Center in Evanston, Illinois. As I was walking through on my way to the workout room, I noticed a leaflet that said “Do you Like to Dance?” Well, for me, that’s not even a question. It turns out that The Dance Center Evanston has, as part of its program, The Evanston Dance Ensemble who received a grant to do an Intergenerational Dance Performance scheduled for February 18^th. The Evanston Dance Ensemble is the performing youth company in residence at the Dance Center Evanston. There will be three dance pieces of some type of “modern” dance.

I’ve never done anything like this before. And I can’t wait. The first meeting is this Saturday, December 15^th to see who’s interested and to get a better idea of what will be performed. Rehearsals will start on January 5^th. Even just the THOUGHT of REHEARSING is so exciting to me. I'm both VERY excited and VERY nervous... but mostly excited!

Stay tuned! I’m gonna be a star!

Dancing in the Mourning

As I think about my experience with my daughter’s struggle to just STAY ALIVE for so many years, I realize that, because of how long and how many times she hovered between life and death, I never really had the time to MOURN all the times I “buried” her and didn’t think she was going to make it.

I remember one time in the hospital, while she was in bed and I was sitting in the chair next to her, saying over and over again to myself, like a mantra… the "Lord’s Prayer." I remember another time her Uncle Phil was coming and I sat there saying to myself over and over again, like a mantra… “just stay alive to see Uncle Phil one more time.” These are only two examples of the, literally, thousands of times Cristina was so close to death. This doesn’t count all the other times she hovered between life and death at home and in the hospital and all the times I actually went out with a pager and she paged me because she was having serious difficulty. I would have to drive home… not too fast to get stopped by a cop, but not slowly because… the worst thing would have been to get home and find her dead and that she had died “alone.” That was one of my mantras as I was driving home for another emergency: “You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.”

How many times can you “bury” your child without going insane? How many times can you do that without having the time or energy to really “mourn” this? Another aspect of this whole thing that was extremely difficult was that over and over again in my mind, I’d think about… what would Cristina want to be buried with? Do I talk to her about that? Do I ASK her about that? I didn’t know if she would want to be buried with her jewelry or if she would have wanted to “gift” certain friends with some of her things. I knew I’d bury her with her “blankey,” a childhood gift from her father that she’d slept with for many years. I knew I’d put music in her coffin. I knew I’d put flowers in with her. I was also afraid I’d throw myself in there with her.

As time has gone on and Cristina is no longer fighting for her life in the way she was for so many years post-transplant, I’m realizing that I never mourned all this. And then I got cancer. Malignant melanoma about 7 years ago. I never mourned my potential death… I was too concerned about how Cristina would handle it.

What was one of the ways I coped with all this? Dancing, of course! I found Argentine Tango. Argentine Tango is one of the most passionate and expressive of dances. For me, it was ONLY in Argentine Tango that I could express the pain, sadness, and ache in my heart about my daughter’s condition. It was this incredible combination of pain, beauty and sensuality all in one dance that, in any way, eased my heart.

So I Danced in the Mourning…