You Gotta Have Heart and Friends

I've known Dan for about 5 years now. I met him and his wife Kathy at a meeting for community volunteers. We all became fast friends. They are among the most intelligent, kind, funny, and spiritual people I've ever met. Their concern for me and the world in general is a constant source of hope, happiness and inspiration to me. I was talking to Dan on the phone the other night and he told me he wrote something and it was with me in mind that he wrote the part about the "personal" sphere. I was (and still am) very touched and honored that he would write this with me in mind. He's still working on his web site... adding more fields, always striving to be better. Dan and Kathy add great abundance to my life and I'm so proud and happy to be their friend.

From Dan:

"Any field can be at the heart of the matter.

Sometimes the physical, factual and natural worlds becomes the heart of the story, with a treasure that emerges in the hidden wealth of resources; from a garden, to learning all the processes of civilization. Sometimes the community takes center stage, as a neighborhood or nation and the way that it governs itself encourages good things to happen.

But sometimes the personal sphere is just where it’s at. We’ve all met some person or persons who hold things together. Everyone has to do this to one extent or another at some time in living their lives, even if they aren’t really good at it, aren’t interested and studiously avoid it wherever possible. They still build up their own little corner of the world, with mementos and principles that those who get into their world come to count on for enrichment, and rely on their dogged integrity. Sometimes individuals, families, groups of friends and/ or neighbors are the center and soul of what goes on in all fields, and they become invaluable and precious to those people who enter into their lives. And they’re also really good at it. Such people that you may have met in your life are just thoroughly amazing, who, with their innate curiosity, concern about others, desires and perhaps inner pain or insecurity, develop an intelligence, brightness, and accessibility from reaching out with courage. They become the links or even anchors in many people’s lives who would never ever have found each other or learned what they really have to offer as acquaintances or friends. They gain the capacity to face issues. This becomes a set of stories, a way of being and wide-ranging experiences with unique insights to share. Even a relatively small group of friends who rely on and trust one another can interface wisely with most other parts of humanity."

Just to let you know, the next person who Pa In one e

How does someone get to be as lucky as me?

Considering everything I've been through in life, and considering that I have anxiety attacks almost daily (mostly due to the ptsd), I still think I'm very lucky. The main reason for that is because of the people I have in my life. As I look back and take away all the feelings of failure, insecurity and just plain irrational beliefs about myself, I have known and still know some of the best people in the world.

Especially since my daughter's illness, I have changed a lot. Many friends literally disappeared. I don't know, maybe they thought leukemia was contagious. Maybe dealing with a life-threatening illness made them think about their own mortality. It was very hard for a very long time not to feel completely angry, resentful and hurt about the people who disappeared. As time has passed, however, I’m not so judgmental and I think about the people I’ve let down in my life.

Then I think about the wonderful people who stuck around. Literally through thick and thin, constantly hearing nothing but bad news; this was going wrong or that was going wrong or Cristina was having some surgery or another horrible procedure. I felt like “Typhoid Maddy” spreading nothing but misery and pain. But wonderful people hung in there with us… They are truly blessed and know what friendship is really about.

It’s also true that one never knows what life has in store. I never thought I’d hear the words, “I’m sorry Madeline, but your daughter has leukemia.” Life is not guaranteed. The next minute is not guaranteed. But I have learned to be grateful for what I have. My wealth is not financial. My wealth is my friendships. TRUE friendships that have stood the test of time, pain and unbelievably enough… through it all… LOTS OF LAUGHTER! I am one of the luckiest people on earth!

Joy and Radiance in the Midst of the Storm

Most of my friends would say that I have a "gift" for finding healers. Every place I live (and I've lived in a lot of places), I seem to find the best healers and healing modalities available. Over the last couple of months it's become increasingly clear and unavoidable that I have become very limited, both personally and professionally due to having post traumatic stress disorder from being my daughter's caregiver. I've also been longing for "something more," some kind of spiritual healing that has eluded me all these years.

With one thing and another and my "gift" for finding healers/healing, I learned about an ancient Yogic meditation called Yoga Nidra. It's very hard to describe, but basically it's about finding your "True Self," and being aware in all states of consciousness. For years, I have hovered between wakefulness and sleeping. During Yoga Nidra, a person is awake and aware, yet fully relaxed. That sounded like something I needed since I've been in that awake state, but not aware and definitely not relaxed.

I researched everything about Yoga Nidra and learned about Dr. Richard Miller who founded nondual.com and bought his cd's. I've been using them for the last two month and have been having excellent results. One of the things Dr. Miller talks about in his cd's is the experience of "welcoming everything just as it is... refusing nothing..." That sounds pretty hokey to me, especially after what I and my daughter have gone through. How could I "welcome" insomnia? welcome fear? welcome terror? How does anyone do that? Yoga Nidra is about "joyful equanimity." Could I ever do that? Could I find joy and equanimity while in such terrible physical, mental, emotional and spiritual turbulence?

I'll give an example of something that happened to me just the other night: I went to bed and while I was laying there, all this terror/fear/dread came up. I could feel all this in my entire body. Like every cell was FULL of these horrible feelings. I KNEW I could never fall asleep feeling like that. I wasn't sure what to do. Then it came into my mind what Dr. Miller says on the cd... that "hokey" stuff about welcoming everything. I figured I have absolutely nothing to lose to just do that. So I tried it. I lay in bed "welcoming" these feelings as much as I could. The next thing I knew, it was 4:00 in the morning. I had actually fallen asleep!

This is only one example of what has been happening through this practice. For the first time, I'm getting actual glimmers of what it's like to relax! feel Joyful! know I'm Radiant! They're glimmers, but I can tell that these glimmers are real. For the first time in many years, I feel some hope that I can move beyond all the pain and suffering.

On a number of occasions I've just layed down in a comfortable position without the cd's and I've actually been able to feel joyful, radiant and relaxed in my own practice. That's been and still is a HUGE thrill! I was a caregiver panelist at the National Marrow Donor Program's Annual Council a few weeks ago in Minneapolis. Of course I brought the cd's with me because I knew that, while I was happy to be on the panel, it would be stressful. On the way home, my plane was in the air for about five minutes when some alarm bell went off and the pilot said we were having some difficulty and would have to turn around. For someone with ptsd, that is a nightmare! Welcome THAT! After we deplaned, I was sitting in the airport and could see the plane we had just gotten off and smoke was billowing from the tail. I know that listening to the cd's and meditating got me through that relatively calmly. I didn't run screaming through the airport!

There are many types of meditations through many spiritual paths. For me, Yoga Nidra has been the most helpful and insightful. I don't think it matters which spiritual path, which meditation someone practices, but I think practicing some type of meditation can lead to a more joyful, radiant and accepting place in your heart, body and mind. I think about the endless hours I've spent staring at the tv. Now I spend much less time there and much more time meditating and getting in touch with my True Self. Doing this is a gift to myself and others. A gift that radiates in all directions simultaneously...