Considering everything I've been through in life, and considering that I have anxiety attacks almost daily (mostly due to the ptsd), I still think I'm very lucky. The main reason for that is because of the people I have in my life. As I look back and take away all the feelings of failure, insecurity and just plain irrational beliefs about myself, I have known and still know some of the best people in the world.
Especially since my daughter's illness, I have changed a lot. Many friends literally disappeared. I don't know, maybe they thought leukemia was contagious. Maybe dealing with a life-threatening illness made them think about their own mortality. It was very hard for a very long time not to feel completely angry, resentful and hurt about the people who disappeared. As time has passed, however, I’m not so judgmental and I think about the people I’ve let down in my life.
Then I think about the wonderful people who stuck around. Literally through thick and thin, constantly hearing nothing but bad news; this was going wrong or that was going wrong or Cristina was having some surgery or another horrible procedure. I felt like “Typhoid Maddy” spreading nothing but misery and pain. But wonderful people hung in there with us… They are truly blessed and know what friendship is really about.
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