A Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart

One of the "benefits" of being sick so long (and unable to sleep much), is that I've gotten a chance to do a lot of thinking and "pondering." Because of some miserable childhood stuff, I tend to think about all the things I DON'T have, all the shortcomings I DO have... This keeps me living my life in the past. Almost like a child who never quite grew up.

What's added to this has been my daughter's illness and recovery where we have been very dependent for a very long time on the kindness of others. While, of course, I have been and always will be so grateful for everything people have done for us, it wasn't until last night as I was laying in bed that the full impact of how I think and feel really hit me.

I have been so humiliated and embarrassed for being so dependent on peoples' kindness for so long, I've lost sight of the fact of how grateful I really am. How there is NO WAY either Cristina or I would be alive (and in some small measure still sane) without such kindness for such a long time. It was like one of those huge "AHA" moments when you realize that you're whole focus has been on the wrong thing. The "deprivation," not the "abundance."

I think about all the money people raised to help us out... the clothing we got, the furniture, the people who decorated, brought over food, listened to my constant pain, showed up at the hospital and house. The people who NEVER left us, especially in the face of nothing but bad news for many years. The people celebrated every victory... no matter how small and listened to my hysterical ptsd rants. The "strangers" who sent money, cards, prayers. The healers who kept charging less and less as money kept running out. The healers who helped saved Cristina's life.

My heart did a major "flip flop" last night as I thought that i am truly my own worst enemy! not my daughter's cancer, not my cancer, not that I'm financially destroyed. Those are not my enemies. It's my thoughts about my life that is the worst. As I lay in bed, it's my own negative, irrational thinking that keeps me down. It also negates the love, kindness and compassion that I have been surrounded with for all these years.

I celebrate now! My "New Year's Resolution" is to be Grateful for Everything. To welcome whatever life has in store for me with open arms and a grateful heart. Accept life just as it is. Knowing that I truly am never alone... unconditionally loved... from everywhere... all the time...

My heart glows!