Joy and Radiance in the Midst of the Storm

Most of my friends would say that I have a "gift" for finding healers. Every place I live (and I've lived in a lot of places), I seem to find the best healers and healing modalities available. Over the last couple of months it's become increasingly clear and unavoidable that I have become very limited, both personally and professionally due to having post traumatic stress disorder from being my daughter's caregiver. I've also been longing for "something more," some kind of spiritual healing that has eluded me all these years.

With one thing and another and my "gift" for finding healers/healing, I learned about an ancient Yogic meditation called Yoga Nidra. It's very hard to describe, but basically it's about finding your "True Self," and being aware in all states of consciousness. For years, I have hovered between wakefulness and sleeping. During Yoga Nidra, a person is awake and aware, yet fully relaxed. That sounded like something I needed since I've been in that awake state, but not aware and definitely not relaxed.

I researched everything about Yoga Nidra and learned about Dr. Richard Miller who founded nondual.com and bought his cd's. I've been using them for the last two month and have been having excellent results. One of the things Dr. Miller talks about in his cd's is the experience of "welcoming everything just as it is... refusing nothing..." That sounds pretty hokey to me, especially after what I and my daughter have gone through. How could I "welcome" insomnia? welcome fear? welcome terror? How does anyone do that? Yoga Nidra is about "joyful equanimity." Could I ever do that? Could I find joy and equanimity while in such terrible physical, mental, emotional and spiritual turbulence?

I'll give an example of something that happened to me just the other night: I went to bed and while I was laying there, all this terror/fear/dread came up. I could feel all this in my entire body. Like every cell was FULL of these horrible feelings. I KNEW I could never fall asleep feeling like that. I wasn't sure what to do. Then it came into my mind what Dr. Miller says on the cd... that "hokey" stuff about welcoming everything. I figured I have absolutely nothing to lose to just do that. So I tried it. I lay in bed "welcoming" these feelings as much as I could. The next thing I knew, it was 4:00 in the morning. I had actually fallen asleep!

This is only one example of what has been happening through this practice. For the first time, I'm getting actual glimmers of what it's like to relax! feel Joyful! know I'm Radiant! They're glimmers, but I can tell that these glimmers are real. For the first time in many years, I feel some hope that I can move beyond all the pain and suffering.

On a number of occasions I've just layed down in a comfortable position without the cd's and I've actually been able to feel joyful, radiant and relaxed in my own practice. That's been and still is a HUGE thrill! I was a caregiver panelist at the National Marrow Donor Program's Annual Council a few weeks ago in Minneapolis. Of course I brought the cd's with me because I knew that, while I was happy to be on the panel, it would be stressful. On the way home, my plane was in the air for about five minutes when some alarm bell went off and the pilot said we were having some difficulty and would have to turn around. For someone with ptsd, that is a nightmare! Welcome THAT! After we deplaned, I was sitting in the airport and could see the plane we had just gotten off and smoke was billowing from the tail. I know that listening to the cd's and meditating got me through that relatively calmly. I didn't run screaming through the airport!

There are many types of meditations through many spiritual paths. For me, Yoga Nidra has been the most helpful and insightful. I don't think it matters which spiritual path, which meditation someone practices, but I think practicing some type of meditation can lead to a more joyful, radiant and accepting place in your heart, body and mind. I think about the endless hours I've spent staring at the tv. Now I spend much less time there and much more time meditating and getting in touch with my True Self. Doing this is a gift to myself and others. A gift that radiates in all directions simultaneously...