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readalot: Sticks and Stones by K.J. Larsen

readalot: Sticks and Stones by K.J. Larsen

Growing up in the South Bronx. Low self esteem and poverty

A boy is born in hard time mississippi
Surrounded by four walls that aint so pretty…

His father works some days for fourteen hours
And you can bet he barely makes a dollar
His mother goes to scrub the floors for many
And you’d best believe she hardly gets a penny
Living just enough, just enough for the city... yeah!...

“Living for the City” Lyrics and Music by Stevie Wonder

Maybe if, like the lyrics in Stevie Wonder’s song, my parents had given me “love and affection,” I would have felt differently about myself and our circumstances. But whatever caused my parents to basically be unable to parent, is another story I will tell. For now, it’s about my personal experience living in poverty in The Bronx.

We moved there when I was in the fifth grade, about 10 years old. We had lived in a safe neighborhood but that changed drastically when my grandfather died and my family decided to go into a “family” business. My father, mother, aunt and my uncle all bought a luncheonette together on Tremont Avenue. My parents and I moved into a building just across the street from the luncheonette. This business had to support two families: My parents and I and my aunt, uncle and cousin. We were very poor.

My parents worked very hard at the luncheonette and it became my job (at 10 years old) to take care of the house. I did all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, took the laundry to the Laundromat, and did whatever else needed to be done. While other kids were out playing, I was home taking care of the house.

Now to describe the “hell hole” as my mother called where we lived. Roaches. Everywhere all the time. Especially in the summer. No matter how much we sprayed, cleaned, killed them, there were always more. Then there was the garbage, like the roaches… everywhere, all the time. I grew up believing that I WAS the roaches. I WAS the garbage. I WAS the ugliness surrounding me.

As a child it is hard to separate our experiences from ourselves. It’s only been in the last 10 years I’ve even been able to tell people that I had roaches. I felt so much shame about it. Which, in turn, led to shame about myself. I have never seen myself for who and what I really am. The mirror has been clouded and foggy with a lifetime of self blame, shame and victim mentality. It has only been in the last several years that I’ve even begun to unravel and understand the heavy, useless baggage I’ve been walking around with.

I have always been a kind of “the unexamined life isn’t worth living” type of person. It took an injury that got progressively worse for awhile and then a move to another state that seems to have finally triggered a major turning point in my life.

I learned to try to “notice” my reactions and realize that these reactions were part of my childhood and now I have the power to be the “adult.” I no longer am a terrified 10 year old, I am now an adult who can reason and see my reactions were not really appropriate anymore. My focus is to be “present,” notice my reactions, even laugh at them sometimes, and remember “that was then and this is now.”

I really began “getting” that I had been living my parents’ life, seeing myself through their eyes, not the eyes of reality and accepting as true all the irrational beliefs about myself. Some days, weeks, are harder than others, but I’m feeling an underlying joy that I don’t know I’ve ever truly felt before. It seems that buried under the barrage of garbage I’ve believed all my life is a truly Shining, Beautiful, Innocent, Pristine, Compassionate, Loving, Being. And that’s who I truly am. I feel more freedom than I’ve ever felt. I am slowly and gradually more and more liberated from the constantly arguing voices in my head, the internal bickering that hardly ever stops. I feel like something in my core is changing and shifting. I’ve been lucky to have some inner resilience that has allowed to me be able to not only survive my childhood, but to thrive in that I am FINALLY learning the lessons that I’ve always needed to learn. It’s been a long and winding road… leading ultimately and actually to MYSELF!!!! The Beautiful, Joyful, Innocent Being I actually am. No matter the outer circumstances, I am learning to unconditionally love myself as the true beautiful being I actually am. Definitely to be continued…

I hope you hear inside my voice of sorrow
And that it motivates you to make a better tomorrow
This place is cruel no where could be much colder
If we don’t change the world will soon be over
Living just enough, stop giving just enough for the city!!!!

“Living for the City” Lyrics and Music by Stevie Wonder

The Art of Movement

Working as a senior fitness instructor has really been eye opening. I never realized what it means to be sedentary and the price that it costs. I'm seeing all these seniors who aren't that much older than me who just can't move. They're overweight, and probably have never eaten anything healthy in their lives.

I used to tell my students... "move it or lose it" and I'm now really learning that lesson myself. It's really hard to move when you're in pain, tired and getting a bit depressed from being in pain and tired. Movement is what human beings were meant to do... not sit in front of a computer most of the day, then get in your car, go home and then sit in front of the tv set. Just looking around and seeing how many people have low back pain, and a variety of other "symptoms" tells you that something really needs to change. We've lost our connection to nature, and especially our own bodies. Dance is primitive, seductive, ceremonial, and joyful. What could be a better way to get in shape, not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

There's all types of dance available... from partner dancing to ecstatic dance, belly dance, nia. The list goes on and on. The important thing is to move...

Fitness Instructor for Seniors

I LOVE it! I'm sore all over, but I'm loving it. I'm also getting to see really up close and personal just what the effects of a sedentary life really are. A lot of the people I'm working with have hardly ever moved very much in their lives. This makes for many of the illnesses most people are afflicted with: heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, etc. I feel like this is a real service I'm doing...helping people to move and to move CORRECTLY.

Proper form is of major importance. If you do an exercise 100 times, but the form isn't correct... yes, it's better than doing nothing... but it doesn't have all the benefits that it potentially can have.

So, get moving...

Living with the Paradoxes of Life

So... on the same day I learn that I could potentially get certified and learn how to be a Fitness Instructor, I find out that it's going to cost me $150. to get my toilet fixed. How do you live with these paradoxes, all the time?

And I'm trying to put together a website and it's so hard because the feelings are still so raw. The places I have to go to write the content for the website. The Yoga Nidra has probably brought some of that up too.

There's a part of the brain called.. well I can't find it. I thought it was the corpus collastrum or corpus collastum. But I can't find it. I found a lot of other interesting things though. The part of the brain I'm thinking of is down in the middle where it looks like the brain splits. Messages need to go back and forth in the HEALTHY way back and forth between both sides of the brain. But under stress, as we say in New York "Fugghettuboutit!"

Most important of which to me, right now, is the effect of STRESS on the brain.

Oy vay!

The Last Five Minutes of My Life

There is a movie called "The Thirteenth Warrior" that I've seen many times and I love. So does Cristina. There are many, many, many images in this movie that I completely hate: the stuff about women, the dark people were of course the evil ones. Not happy with a lot of that at all. I'm also very embarrassed that I still love the movie even with these things.

Without giving any of the story away (or as little as possible), there are a lot of battles. The filming is outstanding, the color, the acting, Antonio Banderas, the landscapes. Cristina and I both really related to this movie. There is one scene where Antonio Banderas is praying and he says in his prayer, "Please let me live this last five minutes of my life well." So I was thinking about this movie and I started thinking about Cristina.

What I realized is that in the worst of the worst of everything bad and horrible, through it all Cristina lived ALL of her last five minutes well... Through everything, and I was there to see it. Cristina was always full of some innate grace and style that is just HER. She's a lot like her grandmother. Even in moments of extraordinary fear, anguish and pain, she had inner beauty. Especially considering how young she was when all this happened.

I called her and told her this. It's an extraordinary accomplishment to think about this. When you hover between life and death so much, for so long, and just to absolutely never know if there were going to be any more minutes. On this on this planet. At this time.

What an astounding thing to happen. How powerful she is. I'm so proud of her. It's really hard to believe she came out of me!!!! (ha, ha)

Some People Feed off Negativity

That's what my boss does. He is a bully who "feeds" on negativity. Like some people "feed" and live on Beauty, Joy, Harmony, he feeds on negativity. Very hard to deal with. How do I respond to this? This is some of the issue. My response to his hostility is to be instantly hostile back. Feels personal. This is the part where the ptsd and trauma kick in. It FEELS personal. I go into a parent/child type relationship.

It also helps to know and really clears up a lot of stuff to know that consciously. That he literally feeds off negativity. Knowing that, in many ways, helps me separate myself from him and not take all this so personally. Also because he is so much like my father. The very worst of everything of my father. And this guy, from what I can tell so far, after two weeks, has NO redeeming characteristics. Nothing. I can't find anything about this guy that is even vaguely human. He KNOWS a lot of stuff but has internalized NOTHING.

At least my father had some redeeming characteristics. He was fun, funny, helpful, loved to tell jokes and do magic tricks. You could have some type of reasonable conversation with him. This guy mumbles to himself. I call him Golum (from Lord of the Rings).

The most important thing to remember and stay in touch with is where my soul is grounded. And that my soul is grounded in harmony with the universe. Not that I'm perfect by any means, but I know that my soul is grounded in harmony with the universe. That's probably some of reason why dancing feels so good to me. It helps me to move in harmony. Sometimes I can feel that the earth is spinning. It's really hard to imagine that the earth is actually spinning all the time and we don't feel it.

Anyway. I don't know what happened to this person in life and what would make ANYBODY feed off negativity and have to be in such absolute control over everyone in the most negative of ways. He's the guy with the money so anyone who has to/is willing to/does take, money from him, he controls in a hideous way. I don't know how much longer/if I can continue to work for him. If the woman I'm working with leaves, I'm not sure what I'll do. The thing that is throwing me over the edge is that he's messing with paying me. On top of everything else.

Golum.

Tighten your Belt to Correct your Posture

As a dancer, correct posture is very important. In general, posture is very important. It affects every area of your mind, heart and body. Posture aligns all your bodily functions... breathing, digestion, flexibility, strength. Most people spend their whole day slouched over a computer, then come home watch tv. People are slouched over a lot and their whole body becomes misaligned and all of its functions don't work properly together. Or they don't work together well.

Some of the best posture can be seen in the body's of dancers, athletes of all kinds, people who take yoga. Think of Fred Astaire, Cyd Charise, Gene Kelly. With proper posture, you move through the air with the greatest of ease (ha, ha). But it's true. When your body is in proper alignment, the air "flows" around you.

I noticed when I go out dancing that the "air" around the good dancers is different. I would find myself standing in a particular place and when I would really look around, it would usually be where the good dancers were. The air feels clearer, smells better, it's joyful, intoxicating. There's more light. Some of it has to do with just being around great artistry and some of it has to do with you need really good posture to dance well... beautifully. Some of its because the air flows around them. It feels great too.

I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I know that my posture is getting bad. I've been walking around with a belt tied right around my waist, just above the hip bone as tight as I can do it and still breathe. When I do that, I notice that my body straightens up. I started walking and dancing like that. It's made me even more aware of the importance of posture. Especially as I've gotten older and I enjoy being in shape, being strong. being more flexible. I've ALWAYS be physically active. I love it. I was working out before it was in "fashion." In my training to be an instructor, I learned more about posture.

Good posture means your head is held high, shoulder back, chest out, hips over your heels. You don't want to be rigid, but you do want to be "toned" and relaxed. It also helps you maintain good balance. Makes a difference in how you feel about yourself too. When you have good posture and your helping your entire body, heart and mind to function well, you feel good about yourself. You know you look good and your overall health is greatly improved.

So I walk around the house with a fabric belt tied tight around my waist... as close to my hip bones as possible and I straighten up.

Helps me feel great and stay in shape.

I felt like I was being tortured

Although a bone marrow transplant (bmt) is done to potentially save someone's life, it is quite excruciating to watch. I watched my daughter literally be killed. This is what a bmt does. Between the chemo and/or radiation, your body's ability to produce blood is destroyed. So basically, without constant transfusions, the person would actually be dead.

And then there were years of endless and horrible invasive procedures and her hovering between life and death. It was like torture watching this. I feel like my eyes can never rest anymore. I've seen such terrible things. My daughter went through so many physical changes. She was the neighborhood "freak" for awhile. She lost all her hair, her eyes were dead, she had jaundice so she turned almost completely yellow/orange (even the whites of her eyes), she is full of scars.

How does a person recuperate from seeing this? Does a person recuperate from seeing this? over and over and over again. Every day was waking up to another day of watching my daughter suffer.

My heart hurts all the time.

Younger Women threatened by Older Women

I just had an incident the other night when I went out dancing that completely blew my mind. A young, gorgeous man kept asking me to dance. He's also a fabulous dancer, which is the main reason I dance with him. He is MUCH younger. He is friends with a woman who also goes out dancing and is also very young. She and I have developed a kind of "out dancing" friendship.

It was clear that she's friends with him, but I couldn't tell if there was anything more. But it was usually him that asked me to dance. Last week, he danced with me and then when he asked her to dance, she said "no." I have never seen her say no to anyone. It was clear at that point that something was going on.

Then, this past week, they were both there again and THEN it became clear that she was interested in him and he would not dance with me at all and was very unfriendly. She stayed by his side and watched him a lot. I saw him dance with other women, but he would not dance with me at all. It was like I was "forbidden." If he danced with me, then she would have nothing to do with him.

I couldn't figure this out and was, of course, feeling that I had done something wrong although I never came on to him, tried to talk to him or in any way indicated anything other than enjoying dancing with him. I was telling a friend about this and she said that to her, it was not that I was doing anything wrong, but that it was his response to me that made her uptight. I can't imagine that someone probably more than half my age, gorgeous, great dancer would in any way be threatened by me.

But I guess so! In a way, I'm very flattered and I am also hoping that this woman and I will continue our "out dancing" friendship. NO man is worth a friendship, and I had no designs on him. Just wanted to dance with a good dancer.

We'll see what happens next!

Dry Skin No More and shrink Under Eye Bags

My skin is very dry. Especially as you reach a certain age, skin tends to get dry. There are a lot of products out on the market that promise to "rejuvenate" skin. It's hard to know what products to use with so many choices.

Especially with the fact that I go out dancing and everyone is so much younger, I (vainly I must admit) do still want to look good. Because, unfortunately, my financial situation doesn't allow me the luxury of buying expensive products (a friend of mine uses a cream that costs $100 a jar), I use products that not only are healthy on the outside, but also healthy on the inside. Since beauty really does come from within anyway, I get two benefits for the price of one. Also flaxseed oil especially is rich in the omega three oils. Big benefit.

For my skin, I use either olive, sunflower, coconut, sesame or flaxseed oil. Put it all over my face before I go to sleep at night. I also use it on my neck and body. I usually cook with these oils too. I even fry eggs with the oil. I found olive oil has the least taste. I actually do prefer butter, but my attitude has always been that even if something doesn't taste exactly how I want it to, if it's healthy, I can get it down.

For undereye bags (which of course I don't have!!!), I use green tea. I drink green tea every morning and take the bags and put them in the refrigerator. When my eyes are puffy, I put them on my eyes for about 10 minutes. BIG HELP!!!!

I don't have the money or the desire for plastic surgery (at least for now), so I'll just have to stick with being as healthy as possible and drink lots of water... and dance!

Soldiers coming back home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Of course, I read anything and everything I hear or read about post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd). I've been reading more and more about how Iraq vets are coming back with it and their lives are spinning out of control. The rate of suicide, homicide, divorce, substance abuse, job loss and homelessness is very high. While I have not GONE to war, I feel like I've been in a war right here fighting for my daughter's life.

Many of the same things these soldiers deal with, I deal with. I don't at all want to compare what I did with those who went off to fight, kill and die. It's in many ways completely different and I can't even imagine what that must be like. But I do know what it's like to be hyper vigilant, not able to pull myself back together again, feel and be and actually put myself in a very isolated lifestyle.

I feel like I've been in a battle. Except this was right here at home. But I so relate to the soldiers who are so young. Those whose lives are changed irrevocably probably. PTSD
seems to affect every area of life. I remember several years ago, I was sleeping and I was woken up by this horrible, shrieking. It sounded like someone was being brutally killed. It was my daughter shrieking in her sleep. She too has PTSD.

Who will help us too?

If I couldn't think anything could possibly get worse. If I couldn't think that this country had sunk to the lowest levels possible. If I couldn't think that of all the ways right now I'm ashamed to be an American (think Gitmo... among others), the below article is beyond anything I would have ever even imagined. I can't even imagine (and don't want to think about) where this could lead...

Health industry creating patient-only credit check

By Jason Roberson

DALLAS MORNING NEWS

Mortgage lenders aren't the only ones showing more interest in your credit score these days - the health industry is creating its own score to judge your ability to pay.

The new medFICO score, being designed with the help of credit industry giant Fair Isaac Corp., could debut as early as this summer in some hospitals.

Healthcare Analytics, a Waltham, Mass., health-technology firm, is developing the score. It is backed by funding from Fair Isaac, of Minneapolis; Dallas-based Tenet Healthcare Corp.; and venture-capital firm North Bridge Venture Partners, also based in Waltham. Each kicked in $10 million for the project.

The score is already raising questions from consumer-advocacy groups that fear it will be checked before patients are treated. People with low medical credit scores could receive lower-quality care than those with a healthy medFICO, they argue.

"How much assurance do I have that they're not going to look at this medFICO first, before they decide whether to treat or not?" asked Linda Foley, founder of the Identity Theft Resource Center in San Diego.

That will not happen, said Stephen Farber, chairman and chief executive officer of Healthcare Analytics. Hospitals will check the score, which will be based on the patient's history of paying medical bills, only after the patient is discharged, he said.

"We only come into play once the patient has been treated and discharged, and the bill already exists," said Farber, who has visited hospital executives nationwide over the last six months to sell the concept. "We just help figure out what sort of relief a hospital should grant the patient."

Hospitals and other caregivers already can tap into regular credit scores - even without the patient's permission - but those are not necessarily a good indication of whether a patient will pay a medical bill, Farber said. Such credit scores are based on voluntary purchases, such as a car. Health-care debt is largely involuntary.

Under the Fair Credit Reporting Act, hospitals and doctors are allowed to report health-care debts to credit-reporting agencies, but they cannot indicate which services constituted the debts.

"They have to do it in a way that there will be no way a person looking at the information would be able to guess what they were treated for," said Frank Dorman, spokesman for the U.S. Federal Trade Commission.

By custom, hospitals generally do not report delinquent accounts, but they do turn them over to collection agencies, said Norm Magnuson, vice president of public affairs for the Consumer Data Industry Association, a Washington trade group for companies that provide credit reports.

In such cases, only the medical provider's name and the amount owed would be listed. But even that cannot be included if the name gives away too much information, as in the Betty Ford Clinic, widely known as an alcohol and drug rehabilitation facility.

The proposed medFICO score would be legal as long as it only includes billing data. And unlike a standard report, which lists only late medical bills, the medFICO score would reflect a history of on-time payments.

To develop its scoring system, Healthcare Analytics is collecting patient billing data from hospital systems with a combined $100 billion in annual net revenue.

Tenet executives say the scoring system could help them decide whether a given patient can pay his or her bill or if they should just write it off as uncollectible, or a "bad debt" in industry lingo.

Without a way to gauge the likelihood that patients will pay their bills, hospitals cannot comfortably invest in new projects or accurately balance expenses against revenue.

Tenet, the nation's third-largest hospital system, with 63 hospitals and medical centers, had $433 million in bad debt through this year's third quarter. Seventy-five percent of that bad debt was from uninsured patients and 25 percent from those with deductibles they could not, or would not, pay, according to Steve Mooney, Tenet's senior vice president of patient financial services.

To figure out how to collect from patients, Tenet now divides them into categories based on whether they are married or single, whether they came through the emergency room or had a scheduled procedure, and whether their regular credit score is high or low.

"But the problem with the credit score is that not everybody has one," Mooney said. "We have about 40 percent of our self-pay patients who we do not get a credit score on."

Meanwhile, consumer advocates argue that given the problems arising from the current Fair Isaac credit score - such as identity theft and inaccurate scoring data - it should not become the basis for a medical version.

In an analysis of more than 500,000 individuals' credit scores, the Consumer Federation of America says it found that 29 percent were 50 points lower than they should have been.

"What if there's a mis-scoring - whether it's due to some clerical error, or due to an identity theft issue, where you have two William S. Joneses, who have similar numbers?" Foley asked. "This is the same problem we've seen in the credit industry."

Foley said a recent personal experience heightened her sensitivity to the possible dangers.

The day before she was interviewed, she said, she spent more than six hours in an emergency room with her husband, who was believed to be suffering a heart attack.

"We have an HMO, but what if we didn't have health coverage?" Foley asked. "If he had a low score, would he have gotten the same type of care that he got last night?"

Mooney, of Tenet Healthcare, said the hospital business had changed over the last 30 years to take on characteristics of the retail industry. With patients expected to pay a larger share and do more comparison shopping, they soon will be able to buy health care much as they do an automobile, he said.

Pamela Dixon, executive director of the World Privacy Forum, a consumer-advocacy group, is not impressed. "I don't like it; I don't like it at all. These are people's lives we're talking about. This isn't some car."

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I Learned the Art of Being

Maybe that's the hardest thing to do. Just "BE." Considering a lot of the events in my life, my bend of nature, my "karma," I think one of the hardest things to do (or not do) is BE.

I learned a lot about that during Cristina's illness and recovery. That's some of why I love dancing. Because in the middle of the whirling around, there's this immense Silence and Stillness and you just ARE. I also had to learn as much as I could about it because there were so many, many, many times over the years of Cristina's recovery, when words were completely insufficient, unnecessary and absolutely none to say. The only thing to do was to BE there with her.

I remember one time, when Cristina was totally on the complete edge of complete and total despair, the only thing I could think to say to her was that she ate three more string beans that day then she did the day before. There was absolutely nothing else to say. She, being who she is, of course, leaped right onto that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

There were also times of such complete and utter pain that there were no words. There still ARE lots of times, which I think I'm experiencing now, when words just don't do it. Or maybe it's gotta be words that help and heal said in voice that is full of life and energy. I'm very sensitive to the energy in peoples' voices. Sound is very important.

And I have tinnitis. But that's a whole other story.

I am Such Fun to Be With

I was over a good friend's house the other day and as I was leaving she asked me if I wanted to take some classes with her. She wants to take some interesting classes but it will be more FUN to go with someone... so she wants to go with me. She said, "Who else do I have fun with?"

I cannot believe that. I think I'm the least fun person around. I do nothing. I go nowhere. I see no one. Other than to go to work (hopefully I'll get a decent job), go dancing and see a few friends here and there. She is someone who, at the drop of a hat, can get 100 people to help her out. And she wants to have fun with me! I feel mostly like a burden to everyone.

And another friend of mine wants to take me to dinner. I'm really loved and I'm really quite surprised by the whole thing. That's a very sad commentary on my state of mind... and heart... When I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, I called a friend of mine and told her and, of course, we talked about it and we hung up. Well, I remembered I wanted to say one more thing and I called her back five minutes later and I was shocked that she was crying. I couldn't really believe someone would actually cry over me.

Again, more stuff to work on... why do I feel this way? how do I "manage" this? what is the Truth? What is my True Being? Maybe that's the most important question.

When There Are No Words

I love blogging, but one of the things I learned during my daughter's illness and recovery is that sometimes there just are NO words. Just being present is what is needed.

So there are no words right now... just being present!

A Friend asked me the Symptoms of PTSD

I was talking to a friend the other night and the subject came up about post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd).

He asked what the symptoms were. It was interesting because I couldn't really think of much other than I don't sleep very much or very well, I can't get up early in the morning, I don't know about being in a relationship. Then the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized. For me, part of having ptsd is that EVERY area of life was affected. I keep wondering why I don't go anyplace anymore (except dancing). It was like "duh," I can't do too many things anymore because virtually everything in my life has been touched by my daughter's illness. There isn't one thing I can do that isn't reminiscent of Cristina's illness. Movies, dinner, shopping, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to a park, taking a walk, driving, garages. Pretty much all the "normal" things I used to do and most people do have become completely "tinged" with everything reminding me of how sick my daughter was and how hard everything was and it's like having flashbacks to every part of life.

One time Cristina and I were going to the movies. I dropped her off at the front of the theatre and went to find a parking spot. When I came back to meet her, she was holding on to a very kind woman. It seems that when Cristina went to step onto the curb to go to the theatre, she was so weak she fell down and couldn't get up. This kind lady helped her up. As Cristina and I walked into the theatre, she fell down again. I asked her if she wanted to leave, but she said no. I know she was completely mortified and horrified about this. When we got home, she cried for hours. She was 22 years old and she was so weak she couldn't even take one step up.

We lived on the third floor of a building. I had to carry her on my back so she could get upstairs. I did that for about six months. She almost passed out in a restaurant. I can't find my car in garages and am completely freaked out about going food shopping because, as Cristina was going down to 70 pounds, it became life and death that I try to pick out SOMETHING that she would eat.

So I stay home alot now. That's how ptsd has affected my life. Even with therapy, I still have a great deal of difficulty in so many areas.

Most of Us are in the Same Boat

I think most people hate the people they work for. Unless they're treated REALLY well. And that's happening less and less these days. The interesting thing is that the Culinary Workers Local 226, the Las Vegas local of the Hotel Employees and Restaurant Employees International Union is getting their workers good wages, health care and changing the lives of thousands of people. Maybe people don't like their jobs, but at least they're getting paid well and are buying homes, putting their kids through college... living the American Dream... or what's left of it.

Maybe I should have stayed in Las Vegas and become part of that union. Except that I can't work full time any more. Neither should my daughter. But we've been set adrift. A medical crisis hit us and there have been really no safety nets. This, in the richest country in the world. It doesn't even seem "civilized" to me that this is what happens when people have some kind of crisis. Look at the people who lost everything (including their lives) in hurricane Katrina. And then got moved all over the country and put in formaldehyde trailers, etc. There are so many things that happened around that, if I go into it, I'll have a post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) episode.

It's SOOOO wrong what's being done to people. So many losing their health insurance, pensions, jobs, homes. The hardest hit, of course, are minorities and women. Also, now I'm finding out what happens to people on disability and how we are treated. My daughter has to stay at some kind of job somewhere where she can find health insurance. I'm not sure what she's going to do. Her medical history is a mile long. Most small businesses don't have health insurance and even corporations keep changing insurers and the insurance companies make money by not providing health care.

What happens to the least of us... happens to all...

I Hate the guy I Work for

I absolutely hate him... and I've only been working for him two days!!!! I would NEVER work for someone like this if I wasn't completely in need of some kind of steady income. Even though I am in need of steady income, I don't know how long I can last working for him. I am also went on an interview today at a Church. It's like I'm in the middle of Heaven and Hell.

There must also be something for me to learn here. That's the most important thing. On every level, what I need to learn needs to be found out. I don't want to keep repeating some kind of self destructive, "scarcity" thinking mentality that I think I keep doing. I cannot believe I have this job with a man who I don't think is quite human. I have NEVER met anyone sooooo rude and stupid and mean all rolled up into one MAYBE human being. I'm definitely going to get some therapy about this...

The pastor of the Church where I went for an interview is the complete opposite of the guy I'm working for now. This is what's so interesting about this. I don't really believe in "coincidences" too much anymore. This can't be one either. I think this all has something to do with my father. This combination of being really, really mean and really really nice. I think there's something in that.

I'm going to have to ponder this some more and DEFINITELY get some counselling.