Living with the Paradoxes of Life

So... on the same day I learn that I could potentially get certified and learn how to be a Fitness Instructor, I find out that it's going to cost me $150. to get my toilet fixed. How do you live with these paradoxes, all the time?

And I'm trying to put together a website and it's so hard because the feelings are still so raw. The places I have to go to write the content for the website. The Yoga Nidra has probably brought some of that up too.

There's a part of the brain called.. well I can't find it. I thought it was the corpus collastrum or corpus collastum. But I can't find it. I found a lot of other interesting things though. The part of the brain I'm thinking of is down in the middle where it looks like the brain splits. Messages need to go back and forth in the HEALTHY way back and forth between both sides of the brain. But under stress, as we say in New York "Fugghettuboutit!"

Most important of which to me, right now, is the effect of STRESS on the brain.

Oy vay!

The Last Five Minutes of My Life

There is a movie called "The Thirteenth Warrior" that I've seen many times and I love. So does Cristina. There are many, many, many images in this movie that I completely hate: the stuff about women, the dark people were of course the evil ones. Not happy with a lot of that at all. I'm also very embarrassed that I still love the movie even with these things.

Without giving any of the story away (or as little as possible), there are a lot of battles. The filming is outstanding, the color, the acting, Antonio Banderas, the landscapes. Cristina and I both really related to this movie. There is one scene where Antonio Banderas is praying and he says in his prayer, "Please let me live this last five minutes of my life well." So I was thinking about this movie and I started thinking about Cristina.

What I realized is that in the worst of the worst of everything bad and horrible, through it all Cristina lived ALL of her last five minutes well... Through everything, and I was there to see it. Cristina was always full of some innate grace and style that is just HER. She's a lot like her grandmother. Even in moments of extraordinary fear, anguish and pain, she had inner beauty. Especially considering how young she was when all this happened.

I called her and told her this. It's an extraordinary accomplishment to think about this. When you hover between life and death so much, for so long, and just to absolutely never know if there were going to be any more minutes. On this on this planet. At this time.

What an astounding thing to happen. How powerful she is. I'm so proud of her. It's really hard to believe she came out of me!!!! (ha, ha)

Some People Feed off Negativity

That's what my boss does. He is a bully who "feeds" on negativity. Like some people "feed" and live on Beauty, Joy, Harmony, he feeds on negativity. Very hard to deal with. How do I respond to this? This is some of the issue. My response to his hostility is to be instantly hostile back. Feels personal. This is the part where the ptsd and trauma kick in. It FEELS personal. I go into a parent/child type relationship.

It also helps to know and really clears up a lot of stuff to know that consciously. That he literally feeds off negativity. Knowing that, in many ways, helps me separate myself from him and not take all this so personally. Also because he is so much like my father. The very worst of everything of my father. And this guy, from what I can tell so far, after two weeks, has NO redeeming characteristics. Nothing. I can't find anything about this guy that is even vaguely human. He KNOWS a lot of stuff but has internalized NOTHING.

At least my father had some redeeming characteristics. He was fun, funny, helpful, loved to tell jokes and do magic tricks. You could have some type of reasonable conversation with him. This guy mumbles to himself. I call him Golum (from Lord of the Rings).

The most important thing to remember and stay in touch with is where my soul is grounded. And that my soul is grounded in harmony with the universe. Not that I'm perfect by any means, but I know that my soul is grounded in harmony with the universe. That's probably some of reason why dancing feels so good to me. It helps me to move in harmony. Sometimes I can feel that the earth is spinning. It's really hard to imagine that the earth is actually spinning all the time and we don't feel it.

Anyway. I don't know what happened to this person in life and what would make ANYBODY feed off negativity and have to be in such absolute control over everyone in the most negative of ways. He's the guy with the money so anyone who has to/is willing to/does take, money from him, he controls in a hideous way. I don't know how much longer/if I can continue to work for him. If the woman I'm working with leaves, I'm not sure what I'll do. The thing that is throwing me over the edge is that he's messing with paying me. On top of everything else.

Golum.

Tighten your Belt to Correct your Posture

As a dancer, correct posture is very important. In general, posture is very important. It affects every area of your mind, heart and body. Posture aligns all your bodily functions... breathing, digestion, flexibility, strength. Most people spend their whole day slouched over a computer, then come home watch tv. People are slouched over a lot and their whole body becomes misaligned and all of its functions don't work properly together. Or they don't work together well.

Some of the best posture can be seen in the body's of dancers, athletes of all kinds, people who take yoga. Think of Fred Astaire, Cyd Charise, Gene Kelly. With proper posture, you move through the air with the greatest of ease (ha, ha). But it's true. When your body is in proper alignment, the air "flows" around you.

I noticed when I go out dancing that the "air" around the good dancers is different. I would find myself standing in a particular place and when I would really look around, it would usually be where the good dancers were. The air feels clearer, smells better, it's joyful, intoxicating. There's more light. Some of it has to do with just being around great artistry and some of it has to do with you need really good posture to dance well... beautifully. Some of its because the air flows around them. It feels great too.

I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I know that my posture is getting bad. I've been walking around with a belt tied right around my waist, just above the hip bone as tight as I can do it and still breathe. When I do that, I notice that my body straightens up. I started walking and dancing like that. It's made me even more aware of the importance of posture. Especially as I've gotten older and I enjoy being in shape, being strong. being more flexible. I've ALWAYS be physically active. I love it. I was working out before it was in "fashion." In my training to be an instructor, I learned more about posture.

Good posture means your head is held high, shoulder back, chest out, hips over your heels. You don't want to be rigid, but you do want to be "toned" and relaxed. It also helps you maintain good balance. Makes a difference in how you feel about yourself too. When you have good posture and your helping your entire body, heart and mind to function well, you feel good about yourself. You know you look good and your overall health is greatly improved.

So I walk around the house with a fabric belt tied tight around my waist... as close to my hip bones as possible and I straighten up.

Helps me feel great and stay in shape.

I felt like I was being tortured

Although a bone marrow transplant (bmt) is done to potentially save someone's life, it is quite excruciating to watch. I watched my daughter literally be killed. This is what a bmt does. Between the chemo and/or radiation, your body's ability to produce blood is destroyed. So basically, without constant transfusions, the person would actually be dead.

And then there were years of endless and horrible invasive procedures and her hovering between life and death. It was like torture watching this. I feel like my eyes can never rest anymore. I've seen such terrible things. My daughter went through so many physical changes. She was the neighborhood "freak" for awhile. She lost all her hair, her eyes were dead, she had jaundice so she turned almost completely yellow/orange (even the whites of her eyes), she is full of scars.

How does a person recuperate from seeing this? Does a person recuperate from seeing this? over and over and over again. Every day was waking up to another day of watching my daughter suffer.

My heart hurts all the time.

Younger Women threatened by Older Women

I just had an incident the other night when I went out dancing that completely blew my mind. A young, gorgeous man kept asking me to dance. He's also a fabulous dancer, which is the main reason I dance with him. He is MUCH younger. He is friends with a woman who also goes out dancing and is also very young. She and I have developed a kind of "out dancing" friendship.

It was clear that she's friends with him, but I couldn't tell if there was anything more. But it was usually him that asked me to dance. Last week, he danced with me and then when he asked her to dance, she said "no." I have never seen her say no to anyone. It was clear at that point that something was going on.

Then, this past week, they were both there again and THEN it became clear that she was interested in him and he would not dance with me at all and was very unfriendly. She stayed by his side and watched him a lot. I saw him dance with other women, but he would not dance with me at all. It was like I was "forbidden." If he danced with me, then she would have nothing to do with him.

I couldn't figure this out and was, of course, feeling that I had done something wrong although I never came on to him, tried to talk to him or in any way indicated anything other than enjoying dancing with him. I was telling a friend about this and she said that to her, it was not that I was doing anything wrong, but that it was his response to me that made her uptight. I can't imagine that someone probably more than half my age, gorgeous, great dancer would in any way be threatened by me.

But I guess so! In a way, I'm very flattered and I am also hoping that this woman and I will continue our "out dancing" friendship. NO man is worth a friendship, and I had no designs on him. Just wanted to dance with a good dancer.

We'll see what happens next!

Dry Skin No More and shrink Under Eye Bags

My skin is very dry. Especially as you reach a certain age, skin tends to get dry. There are a lot of products out on the market that promise to "rejuvenate" skin. It's hard to know what products to use with so many choices.

Especially with the fact that I go out dancing and everyone is so much younger, I (vainly I must admit) do still want to look good. Because, unfortunately, my financial situation doesn't allow me the luxury of buying expensive products (a friend of mine uses a cream that costs $100 a jar), I use products that not only are healthy on the outside, but also healthy on the inside. Since beauty really does come from within anyway, I get two benefits for the price of one. Also flaxseed oil especially is rich in the omega three oils. Big benefit.

For my skin, I use either olive, sunflower, coconut, sesame or flaxseed oil. Put it all over my face before I go to sleep at night. I also use it on my neck and body. I usually cook with these oils too. I even fry eggs with the oil. I found olive oil has the least taste. I actually do prefer butter, but my attitude has always been that even if something doesn't taste exactly how I want it to, if it's healthy, I can get it down.

For undereye bags (which of course I don't have!!!), I use green tea. I drink green tea every morning and take the bags and put them in the refrigerator. When my eyes are puffy, I put them on my eyes for about 10 minutes. BIG HELP!!!!

I don't have the money or the desire for plastic surgery (at least for now), so I'll just have to stick with being as healthy as possible and drink lots of water... and dance!

Soldiers coming back home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Of course, I read anything and everything I hear or read about post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd). I've been reading more and more about how Iraq vets are coming back with it and their lives are spinning out of control. The rate of suicide, homicide, divorce, substance abuse, job loss and homelessness is very high. While I have not GONE to war, I feel like I've been in a war right here fighting for my daughter's life.

Many of the same things these soldiers deal with, I deal with. I don't at all want to compare what I did with those who went off to fight, kill and die. It's in many ways completely different and I can't even imagine what that must be like. But I do know what it's like to be hyper vigilant, not able to pull myself back together again, feel and be and actually put myself in a very isolated lifestyle.

I feel like I've been in a battle. Except this was right here at home. But I so relate to the soldiers who are so young. Those whose lives are changed irrevocably probably. PTSD
seems to affect every area of life. I remember several years ago, I was sleeping and I was woken up by this horrible, shrieking. It sounded like someone was being brutally killed. It was my daughter shrieking in her sleep. She too has PTSD.

Who will help us too?

If I couldn't think anything could possibly get worse. If I couldn't think that this country had sunk to the lowest levels possible. If I couldn't think that of all the ways right now I'm ashamed to be an American (think Gitmo... among others), the below article is beyond anything I would have ever even imagined. I can't even imagine (and don't want to think about) where this could lead...

Health industry creating patient-only credit check

By Jason Roberson

DALLAS MORNING NEWS

Mortgage lenders aren't the only ones showing more interest in your credit score these days - the health industry is creating its own score to judge your ability to pay.

The new medFICO score, being designed with the help of credit industry giant Fair Isaac Corp., could debut as early as this summer in some hospitals.

Healthcare Analytics, a Waltham, Mass., health-technology firm, is developing the score. It is backed by funding from Fair Isaac, of Minneapolis; Dallas-based Tenet Healthcare Corp.; and venture-capital firm North Bridge Venture Partners, also based in Waltham. Each kicked in $10 million for the project.

The score is already raising questions from consumer-advocacy groups that fear it will be checked before patients are treated. People with low medical credit scores could receive lower-quality care than those with a healthy medFICO, they argue.

"How much assurance do I have that they're not going to look at this medFICO first, before they decide whether to treat or not?" asked Linda Foley, founder of the Identity Theft Resource Center in San Diego.

That will not happen, said Stephen Farber, chairman and chief executive officer of Healthcare Analytics. Hospitals will check the score, which will be based on the patient's history of paying medical bills, only after the patient is discharged, he said.

"We only come into play once the patient has been treated and discharged, and the bill already exists," said Farber, who has visited hospital executives nationwide over the last six months to sell the concept. "We just help figure out what sort of relief a hospital should grant the patient."

Hospitals and other caregivers already can tap into regular credit scores - even without the patient's permission - but those are not necessarily a good indication of whether a patient will pay a medical bill, Farber said. Such credit scores are based on voluntary purchases, such as a car. Health-care debt is largely involuntary.

Under the Fair Credit Reporting Act, hospitals and doctors are allowed to report health-care debts to credit-reporting agencies, but they cannot indicate which services constituted the debts.

"They have to do it in a way that there will be no way a person looking at the information would be able to guess what they were treated for," said Frank Dorman, spokesman for the U.S. Federal Trade Commission.

By custom, hospitals generally do not report delinquent accounts, but they do turn them over to collection agencies, said Norm Magnuson, vice president of public affairs for the Consumer Data Industry Association, a Washington trade group for companies that provide credit reports.

In such cases, only the medical provider's name and the amount owed would be listed. But even that cannot be included if the name gives away too much information, as in the Betty Ford Clinic, widely known as an alcohol and drug rehabilitation facility.

The proposed medFICO score would be legal as long as it only includes billing data. And unlike a standard report, which lists only late medical bills, the medFICO score would reflect a history of on-time payments.

To develop its scoring system, Healthcare Analytics is collecting patient billing data from hospital systems with a combined $100 billion in annual net revenue.

Tenet executives say the scoring system could help them decide whether a given patient can pay his or her bill or if they should just write it off as uncollectible, or a "bad debt" in industry lingo.

Without a way to gauge the likelihood that patients will pay their bills, hospitals cannot comfortably invest in new projects or accurately balance expenses against revenue.

Tenet, the nation's third-largest hospital system, with 63 hospitals and medical centers, had $433 million in bad debt through this year's third quarter. Seventy-five percent of that bad debt was from uninsured patients and 25 percent from those with deductibles they could not, or would not, pay, according to Steve Mooney, Tenet's senior vice president of patient financial services.

To figure out how to collect from patients, Tenet now divides them into categories based on whether they are married or single, whether they came through the emergency room or had a scheduled procedure, and whether their regular credit score is high or low.

"But the problem with the credit score is that not everybody has one," Mooney said. "We have about 40 percent of our self-pay patients who we do not get a credit score on."

Meanwhile, consumer advocates argue that given the problems arising from the current Fair Isaac credit score - such as identity theft and inaccurate scoring data - it should not become the basis for a medical version.

In an analysis of more than 500,000 individuals' credit scores, the Consumer Federation of America says it found that 29 percent were 50 points lower than they should have been.

"What if there's a mis-scoring - whether it's due to some clerical error, or due to an identity theft issue, where you have two William S. Joneses, who have similar numbers?" Foley asked. "This is the same problem we've seen in the credit industry."

Foley said a recent personal experience heightened her sensitivity to the possible dangers.

The day before she was interviewed, she said, she spent more than six hours in an emergency room with her husband, who was believed to be suffering a heart attack.

"We have an HMO, but what if we didn't have health coverage?" Foley asked. "If he had a low score, would he have gotten the same type of care that he got last night?"

Mooney, of Tenet Healthcare, said the hospital business had changed over the last 30 years to take on characteristics of the retail industry. With patients expected to pay a larger share and do more comparison shopping, they soon will be able to buy health care much as they do an automobile, he said.

Pamela Dixon, executive director of the World Privacy Forum, a consumer-advocacy group, is not impressed. "I don't like it; I don't like it at all. These are people's lives we're talking about. This isn't some car."

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I Learned the Art of Being

Maybe that's the hardest thing to do. Just "BE." Considering a lot of the events in my life, my bend of nature, my "karma," I think one of the hardest things to do (or not do) is BE.

I learned a lot about that during Cristina's illness and recovery. That's some of why I love dancing. Because in the middle of the whirling around, there's this immense Silence and Stillness and you just ARE. I also had to learn as much as I could about it because there were so many, many, many times over the years of Cristina's recovery, when words were completely insufficient, unnecessary and absolutely none to say. The only thing to do was to BE there with her.

I remember one time, when Cristina was totally on the complete edge of complete and total despair, the only thing I could think to say to her was that she ate three more string beans that day then she did the day before. There was absolutely nothing else to say. She, being who she is, of course, leaped right onto that teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

There were also times of such complete and utter pain that there were no words. There still ARE lots of times, which I think I'm experiencing now, when words just don't do it. Or maybe it's gotta be words that help and heal said in voice that is full of life and energy. I'm very sensitive to the energy in peoples' voices. Sound is very important.

And I have tinnitis. But that's a whole other story.

I am Such Fun to Be With

I was over a good friend's house the other day and as I was leaving she asked me if I wanted to take some classes with her. She wants to take some interesting classes but it will be more FUN to go with someone... so she wants to go with me. She said, "Who else do I have fun with?"

I cannot believe that. I think I'm the least fun person around. I do nothing. I go nowhere. I see no one. Other than to go to work (hopefully I'll get a decent job), go dancing and see a few friends here and there. She is someone who, at the drop of a hat, can get 100 people to help her out. And she wants to have fun with me! I feel mostly like a burden to everyone.

And another friend of mine wants to take me to dinner. I'm really loved and I'm really quite surprised by the whole thing. That's a very sad commentary on my state of mind... and heart... When I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, I called a friend of mine and told her and, of course, we talked about it and we hung up. Well, I remembered I wanted to say one more thing and I called her back five minutes later and I was shocked that she was crying. I couldn't really believe someone would actually cry over me.

Again, more stuff to work on... why do I feel this way? how do I "manage" this? what is the Truth? What is my True Being? Maybe that's the most important question.

When There Are No Words

I love blogging, but one of the things I learned during my daughter's illness and recovery is that sometimes there just are NO words. Just being present is what is needed.

So there are no words right now... just being present!

A Friend asked me the Symptoms of PTSD

I was talking to a friend the other night and the subject came up about post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd).

He asked what the symptoms were. It was interesting because I couldn't really think of much other than I don't sleep very much or very well, I can't get up early in the morning, I don't know about being in a relationship. Then the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized. For me, part of having ptsd is that EVERY area of life was affected. I keep wondering why I don't go anyplace anymore (except dancing). It was like "duh," I can't do too many things anymore because virtually everything in my life has been touched by my daughter's illness. There isn't one thing I can do that isn't reminiscent of Cristina's illness. Movies, dinner, shopping, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to a park, taking a walk, driving, garages. Pretty much all the "normal" things I used to do and most people do have become completely "tinged" with everything reminding me of how sick my daughter was and how hard everything was and it's like having flashbacks to every part of life.

One time Cristina and I were going to the movies. I dropped her off at the front of the theatre and went to find a parking spot. When I came back to meet her, she was holding on to a very kind woman. It seems that when Cristina went to step onto the curb to go to the theatre, she was so weak she fell down and couldn't get up. This kind lady helped her up. As Cristina and I walked into the theatre, she fell down again. I asked her if she wanted to leave, but she said no. I know she was completely mortified and horrified about this. When we got home, she cried for hours. She was 22 years old and she was so weak she couldn't even take one step up.

We lived on the third floor of a building. I had to carry her on my back so she could get upstairs. I did that for about six months. She almost passed out in a restaurant. I can't find my car in garages and am completely freaked out about going food shopping because, as Cristina was going down to 70 pounds, it became life and death that I try to pick out SOMETHING that she would eat.

So I stay home alot now. That's how ptsd has affected my life. Even with therapy, I still have a great deal of difficulty in so many areas.

Most of Us are in the Same Boat

I think most people hate the people they work for. Unless they're treated REALLY well. And that's happening less and less these days. The interesting thing is that the Culinary Workers Local 226, the Las Vegas local of the Hotel Employees and Restaurant Employees International Union is getting their workers good wages, health care and changing the lives of thousands of people. Maybe people don't like their jobs, but at least they're getting paid well and are buying homes, putting their kids through college... living the American Dream... or what's left of it.

Maybe I should have stayed in Las Vegas and become part of that union. Except that I can't work full time any more. Neither should my daughter. But we've been set adrift. A medical crisis hit us and there have been really no safety nets. This, in the richest country in the world. It doesn't even seem "civilized" to me that this is what happens when people have some kind of crisis. Look at the people who lost everything (including their lives) in hurricane Katrina. And then got moved all over the country and put in formaldehyde trailers, etc. There are so many things that happened around that, if I go into it, I'll have a post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) episode.

It's SOOOO wrong what's being done to people. So many losing their health insurance, pensions, jobs, homes. The hardest hit, of course, are minorities and women. Also, now I'm finding out what happens to people on disability and how we are treated. My daughter has to stay at some kind of job somewhere where she can find health insurance. I'm not sure what she's going to do. Her medical history is a mile long. Most small businesses don't have health insurance and even corporations keep changing insurers and the insurance companies make money by not providing health care.

What happens to the least of us... happens to all...

I Hate the guy I Work for

I absolutely hate him... and I've only been working for him two days!!!! I would NEVER work for someone like this if I wasn't completely in need of some kind of steady income. Even though I am in need of steady income, I don't know how long I can last working for him. I am also went on an interview today at a Church. It's like I'm in the middle of Heaven and Hell.

There must also be something for me to learn here. That's the most important thing. On every level, what I need to learn needs to be found out. I don't want to keep repeating some kind of self destructive, "scarcity" thinking mentality that I think I keep doing. I cannot believe I have this job with a man who I don't think is quite human. I have NEVER met anyone sooooo rude and stupid and mean all rolled up into one MAYBE human being. I'm definitely going to get some therapy about this...

The pastor of the Church where I went for an interview is the complete opposite of the guy I'm working for now. This is what's so interesting about this. I don't really believe in "coincidences" too much anymore. This can't be one either. I think this all has something to do with my father. This combination of being really, really mean and really really nice. I think there's something in that.

I'm going to have to ponder this some more and DEFINITELY get some counselling.

On Being a Single Mature Woman a/k/a Cougar

I don't know what all this talk about "mature" women being cougars is about. Maybe it's from that commercial? The fact is that, just biologically speaking, there are more women than men in the world, AND there are more single women than there are single men. Because a woman is a bit older now, does that mean that she can't want and/or need to be with a partner? or partners? This society so worships youth that it is blind and negative to the gorgeousness of maturity especially in women.

I go dancing. Most of the people out dancing are young. I have a very young spirit and heart and don't look too bad if I do say so myself. The men my age seem to want young women and younger men find older women attractive.

What "animal" is an older man who is attracted to younger women called? I can think of a few, but I can't publish it here (ha, ha). I don't think older men that are attracted to younger women are called anything in particular like this handle that's been given to older women.

Gets me mad that there is still the endless denigrating of women. Women have it hard enough in this world. We can't even get older gracefully, the way we want. We aren't even allowed to want what we want without being put down in some way. Most women do NOT stalk (which is some of the underlying feeling evoked when thinking of a cougar) anyone. Women should not allow ourselves to be labelled either.

Dancing with the Intergenerational Stars

I'm so excited. We had our actual first rehearsal this weekend at the Evanston Dance Ensemble for the Intergenerational Performance. I've done a lot of very "challenging" things in my life. It turns out that this is going to be one of THE most challenging. I can dance, but I partner/social dance. For this dance, we are all performing together but not as partners... so there will be ways I will be performing on my own. This brings up so many issues for me.

I realize how hard it is for me to feel "watched." Maybe because when I was young, no matter what I did, it wasn't right, so being watched for me means being criticized. When we were rehearsing, I was so self conscious and that isn't even in front of people. I think I'm doing this because it is such a challenge and something that can help me overcome some of my fears and insecurities. I have to remember that this is now and that was then and that my parents were doing the best they could and I have to move beyond THEIR view of me, or really their view of themselves and find my own view of myself - for myself.

Plus, it's like I'm getting all these really valuable dance lessons for free... the only price is that I have to actually perform! Soooo Excited! Soooo Nervous!

When will I be Happy?

When I was young, due to a number of family issues, my being happy seemed to make my mother unhappy. It was as if, by being beautiful (everyone young is beautiful!) it was a threat to her. She was miserable and depressed and felt like life had passed her by. I remember a friend of mine saying that I must have had a tough time growing up because of my mother's attitude not only toward life, but towards herself and me. She never lived her dream (singing) and didn't seem to want me to live mine.

Anything I did to make myself feel good or happy, she always found a way to make me feel guilty. So, I've mostly spent the first half of my life not being happy because somehow this threatened my mother. Yes, I'm grown, but obviously still have some major issues.

NOW, especially since my daughter's illness, I feel guilty if/when I'm happy about something if she's not happy. She's very lonely and isolated in many ways, so I feel that if I find someone fun to date, that it's not okay. I am stuck between the generations. My daughter does absolutely nothing to make me feel guilty, I know it's from the past, but I struggle with these feelings a lot of the time.

I really wonder when will it ever be my turn to be happy? I know it's up to me... My mother did the best she could with her life and being a parent and my daughter wants me to be happy. I truly am my own worst enemy. I must learn how to be my own best friend.

What Kind of World is This?

As I look around and see what's going on in the world, I get very disheartened and sometimes I wonder what kind of a world my daughter fought so hard to stay alive in. Everything is melting, the air, land and water are filthy and actually running out. Everywhere there are wars or rumors of war, people are living in abject poverty, the economy is crashing around us. The sun is now so strong because of the loss of the ozone layer that going out in the sun has become like being ex rayed.

The water is full of all kinds of medications and chemicals so most people are unknowingly being drugged just by drinking the water. The voices for peace and change are there, but fear and the struggle just to merely survive is paralyzing large segments of the population. Hospitals, schools are falling apart. Charity hospitals are having to close their doors. Whatever happened to the people that were displaced by Katrina? Those who were displaced and those who got put in formaldahyde trailers?

What about returning soldiers from Iraq and Aphghanistan? What kind of physical, emotional and mental condition will they be in. This is my daughter's generation. They are full of depleted uranium, post traumatic stress disorder, lost limbs, brain disorders. As we go about our day to day lives, we mostly don't think about the millions of people in the world who live in poverty and despair.

I am so glad my daughter survived, but so sad to see the condition of the world. It doesn't seem to me that the human race has evolved all that much. We have turned the planet into one big garbage dump. Remember that old commercial... "You can't fool with Mother Nature"? well, you can't...

Every day, I try to think of at least one thing I can do to make the world better. Every little bit helps. One person can make a difference. One prayer can make a difference. One kind word can make a difference.

Ice Dancing - Athleticism, Grace and Joy

Cristina was diagnosed with leukemia in September, 1994. One of the first interesting "coincidences" was that there were a lot of programs on tv about people climbing Mount Everest. Climbing into what is called the "dead zone." This is where there is virtually no oxygen and without oxygen masks, most people would die. I watched these programs all the time. I felt like I, too, was climbing Everest into the dead zone. I knew that my daughter's illness and transplant would be a very challenging experience. That both of us would be going to places we had never been before. Watching all the climbers on Everest somehow helped me have courage and it also felt like I was seeing the journey I was soon to be embarking on. Going to some place that would challenge every aspect of who I am, what I believed and how much courage and perseverence I would be able to find within myself.

At the same time, winter was approaching and Ice Dancing/Skating was on tv also. I had not been really that interested in it before, but as I started watching it, the beauty, joy, athletic prowess and the thrill of watching world champions compete helped fill my heart and eyes with some of their joy. It was also important for me to see that these world champions could/would fall down, get back up and continue right on with their program. Again, courage was part of why I loved watching the ice dancing. For that time I was watching it, I could completely lose myself in the beauty.

I always had in mind that whatever beauty I could tap into, I would store up in myself to help Cristina. There are great differences between climbing Mt. Everest and Ice Dancing, but there are also similarities... courage, joy of victory, pushing yourself further than you ever thought you could go, facing a challenge, learning about yourself.

I've become a Mt. Everest climbing Ice Dancer! ha, ha

I don't Wash my Hair Anymore

Many months ago, a friend of mine told me about this "no poo" stuff. It was started by a woman in New York who specializes in curly hair. Most shampoos actually dry hair out and curly hair, which is more porous than straight, get really frizzy no matter how mild the shampoo. My friend's hair who started doing this started looking really really good so I decided to try it.

At first, my hair didn't look too great, but after a couple of weeks, it started looking fabulous... You're not even supposed to towel dry it because the towel drying pulls moisture out. My hair doesn't smell and feels great. Conditioner actually has some ingredients that clean hair. I use a leave in conditioner and I can now go longer without "washing" my hair because it looks so great. All I do is get up in the morning, shake my head, add a little more conditioner and voila! I'm good to go.

No poo.

Being a Performer for the First Time

I had my first rehearsal this weekend for the intergenerational dance performance that the Evanston Dance Ensemble is doing. I was a nervous wreck. I think this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. The thought of performing in front of a group of people is very challenging for me.

While I love dancing, have been an instructor, and am watched when I go out dancing, a performer, I am NOT. Maybe this is why I want to do this. Whatever the reason that it is so difficult for me to do this, that's why I think it's important that I do it. I think I'm concerned about "displaying" myself in front of other people. While much of this will be choreographed, there will also be a lot of "improvisation." I don't know which part gets me more nervous... remembering choreography or improvising.

I'm very excited too. The performance will be one week before my ____ birthday. What a birthday present to myself. I think I'm going to have a party afterward. Maybe get drunk!

VERY drunk!

Timing is Everything

One of the things that happened when my daughter was diagnosed with leukemia was that my whole sense of time got completely changed. On one hand time was moving very slowly. On the other hand, and the really strange part, was that time began moving extremely quickly. It was like the pages of a book as you skim through it, going very fast. That’s how I felt, like the pages of life were moving very fast… while at the same time, everything was moving very slowly.

Dealing with life and death issues constantly over a long period of time, definitely brings an “immediacy” to life that I had not experienced before. It was very confusing. I could literally see the pages turning so rapidly and yet everything was moving so slowly… so speeded up and yet moving in slow motion. Then, of course, was dealing with doctors and hospitals. Rushing to the emergency and then having to wait for endless hours to see a doctor and/or for Cristina to be admitted.

When I was taking dancing lessons in Las Vegas, I was learning Rumba, with a timing of slow, quick, quick; slow, quick, quick. My instructor trying to give me some assistance said, “it’s like hurry up and wait.” As soon as he said that I said, “Oh, I can really do that!” It was then I realized how much time I had spent doing exactly that… hurrying up and then waiting. He had no idea about my life, but I thought it was pretty funny that that’s the expression he used to help me out. It is also something I had become an expert at.

The problem with this is that it is still how I live some of my life. I’m either working or doing something in a frenzy or completely flat out. It’s very “challenging” to bring some kind of real sense of time (timing) back into my life. I still hurry up and wait.

But at least I’m really good at Rumba!

Exfoliate for Silky Skin

There's a lot of talk about exfoliation. This is a process whereby you remove the dead cells from your body. This is very important considering that skin is the largest bodily organ. Another major benefit of exfoliation is that without the dead skin cells laying on top of the skin, your skin absorbs moisturizers or whatever you want more easily into the body. An easy, inexpensive and one of the best exfoliating treatments I know is olive oil and kosher salt. Kosher salt is great because it is very coarse and so it does a better job. Here's how to do it. Put about a half a cup of of olive oil in a small ball. Keep pouring in the salt as you mix until it becomes fairly thick. Then you can either stand in the tub or in the shower and rub this mixture all over your body. I don't do this on my face because I think it's a bit to rough. Then either sit down in the tub and let the salt dissolve or shower it off. Your skin will feel like silk. The olive oil stays a bit on your skin and leaves your skin healthier, glowing and smooth like a baby.

This will NOT work if you put the salt into moisturizer (I tried it!). The salt "melts" in moisturizer. If you don't want olive oil, any other oil (NOT crisco or corn oil) like sesame, coconut, flaxseed also works very well. No matter whether you do this in the tub or the shower... BE CAREFUL. It gets a little slippery because of the oil. But your skin is FABULOUS!!!! and you've hardly spent any money. What could be better?

Anti-Aging... What does that mean?

I've always wondered about all this "anti aging" stuff. Anti aging creams, food, exercise, etc. If you are "anti" aging does that mean you are "PRO" death? Everyone is aging. As a matter of fact, as soon as we're born we begin aging. I guess I think a more appropriate term would be "Radiant Aging." It seems to me that the object of all this "anti" aging is to keep us looking and feeling as youthful as possible. I totally agree with that, but I would frame it in terms of becoming more and more Radiant and Alive as we age.

The reason I say this is because, being a “mature” woman who loves to dance and goes out dancing around people that are usually half my age… I definitely want to look and feel good. Going dancing is part of my own personal Radiant Aging regime. When I go dancing I tap into all that “teen age,” sensual, alive, joyful energy that I believe helps me to look and feel better. I can’t help smiling as I watch other dancers twirl and swirl around and listen to the music. A dance floor is a happy place. Sure, there’s all the little dramas of who is with who and who to dance with, etc., but I try to keep out of that part and just get into the joyfulness of the dancing.

I have many other Radiant Aging “secrets.” I have always been interested in “alternative” medicine and “alternative” ways of living. Although I, of course, kind of trashed myself when I was younger (drinking, partying, etc), it didn’t take long for me to realize that you’re never too young or too old to take care of yourself and tap into your inner Radiance.

Many years ago, before anyone was talking or even thinking about it, I was eating RAW food exclusively. I did that for about two years. Unfortunately, being surrounded by people who ate “regular” food (including my daughter), it just got too hard. During that time I was doing it, however, I looked and felt fabulous. I also juice veggies and drink that almost every day. Juicing is one of the best ways to not only detox, but also gives your digestive system a break while taking in live, full of enzymes healthy veggies.

More to come… Radiating in All Directions Simultaneously

It's the Gypsy in Me!

My daughter was born in January, 1975. When she was born, we lived on the lower east side of Manhattan. When she was six months old, we moved to a gorgeous brownstone in Brooklyn which we shared with a number of friends in a “communal’ type situation. When Cristina was 15 months old, her father and I separated. We lived in Brooklyn for about another year. I had the opportunity to visit Boulder, Colorado, a place that I’d always wanted to see, fell in love with it and we moved there when Cristina was about 2 ½. So by the time Cristina was 2 ½, she’d lived in three places.

Once we moved to Boulder, Cristina would spend her summers and Christmas holidays with her father and his family in The Bronx, so in many ways, this was her “anchor” and the one place she felt didn’t “change.” Even living in Boulder, we moved around to two different apartments because the second place I found was bigger and we lived in a complex with about six other families, all of who were single parents and their children.

When Cristina was about 7 or 8, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my father, after taking care of her for as long as he could, put her in a nursing home. We had visited them in Florida several times but at that point, I felt that he needed my support and I wanted to be able to see my mother for as long as possible. So we moved to Boca Raton, Florida. Cristina wasn’t too happy about moving and I wasn’t happy about the reason for the move, but the “gypsy” in me wanted the change. We sold everything, packed up my VERY old car and drove all the way from Boulder to Florida. The radio didn’t work and we must have sung every song ever written, played every game that there was to play and, in general, had a more or less fun time on the drive. Once again, Cristina was starting at a new school, in a new environment, and once again, she was the “new kid.” We lived there for about a year. My mother’s condition continued to deteriorate and she no longer recognized my daughter or me. My father really wasn’t as needy as I thought, I really didn’t like Florida so I decided to move back to Boulder. Cristina had mixed feelings, she wanted to go back to Boulder, but, once again, it was a move and in many ways, “starting over” again.

On the way back to Boulder, I stopped in Tulsa, Oklahoma because a friend told me there was a great “alternative healing” clinic there. When we got there, it seemed great and was a place where people could both live and get healings. The man who ran the clinic said he thought I’d be perfect to work there and this would give me an opportunity, in essence, to be home after school for Cristina. We stayed there for a week and then continued our trip back to Boulder. Once there, the only apartment we could find that I could afford was awful and the school that Cristina had to go to was full of really snotty, nasty kids who made fun of her “wild” curly hair and freckles and, in general, teased her and made her life miserable. I then found another better and bigger apartment, but this meant that ONCE AGAIN Cristina was “new” at the school and had to make another whole set of adjustments.

Although I knew she wasn’t quite happy about all the moves, she never really protested very much and “Gypsy” me really loved it. I felt that life for me would be best lived in a tent or probably a mobile home. Maybe, in retrospect (how great hindsight is!) this was my way of doing what I wanted to do and it seemed that my only vacations was all this moving around.

I got a call from the man in Tulsa who offered me a job, room and board and the chance to get training and be part of healing work that I really believed in. So, guess what? We moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Even harder for Cristina (which I didn’t realize at the time), was that we were eating RAW food (which is all the rage right now, but this was around 1983 and NO ONE had heard about this), and this was totally embarrassing to Cristina who brought fruit for lunch and was made fun of while everyone else was eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Unfortunately, the work at the clinic and the man I was working for were not quite as good a situation as I thought it would be and… we moved back to Boulder. Another apartment, another school, and although Cristina still had friends in Boulder, a different neighborhood made it more difficult to see her old friends.

Then in 1986, I was offered the opportunity to be in a special two year Master’s Degree Program in Chicago. I remember the absolutely HORRIFIED look on Cristina’s face when I said I wanted to move again, but I managed to “convince” her that this would be a great move and opportunity. The school was in Lombard, Illinois and, by the time Cristina was 11 years old, she’s been back and forth across the country and been in 7 different schools. The first year of school was in Lombard, the second year, because part of my Master’s Degree was in Urban Studies, we moved into Chicago. This meant ANOTHER school and a whole completely new and different environment. At this point, Cristina and I had begun talking about how the moving had affected her and I finally (duh) got to understand how difficult this has been for her. Oh, the apologizing and groveling I did!

When it was time for her to go to high school, the only way I could think of to “make it up” to her for all the moving around I had made her do was to tell her that she could go to ANY high school she wanted and we’ve move to WHEREVER she wanted to go to that school. She chose a High School for the Performing Arts that was down at the other end of Chicago, but that’s where she wanted to go, so that’s where we went.

After High School, she attended Loyola University here in Chicago for about a year and then decided she wanted to move back to New York (where she has family) and finish her education there. She was 19 and by that time, we’d had many, many more conversations about the moving around and how it affected her and I’d apologized many, many times for my blindness at the difficulty that this had caused her. Unfortunately, in the midst of her planning to move to New York, she was diagnosed with leukemia and her plans were not to happen. She stayed here in Chicago.

In 2004, when she was finally physically stronger, she said she wanted to move to California. A friend who initially said she wanted to move there too, backed out on her, but Cristina had made up her mind. Although most of our previous discussions had been about the “negative” aspects of her moving around, now we both (especially her) started examining the “positive” aspects. She felt that although she would have to make the move alone, she was eager to give it a try. She felt that all the moving around had made her adaptable, able to deal with and be around all types of people at all levels, given her a lot of independence, self-confidence and courage. She moved, and although it has been difficult, she has persevered is building her own life on her own terms.

Maybe being a “Gypsy” hasn’t been so bad after all!

You Integrate Everything

If you spend your bad times worrying about how much worse things can get

And if you spend your good times worrying about what’s gonna happen if things get bad

When are you ever happy?

This is how a lot of people spend their lives. Myself especially included. It is so hard to integrate the good, the bad and the ugly into our lives. Accepting things as they are. Not worried about yesterday or tomorrow. Not worried that if something good happens, when is that going to end.

This is one of the reasons I love watching children and animals. They're not worried. If you watch a cat sleep... the cat can be completely sleeping and if there's a sudden noise or danger, it's completely alert IN THAT MOMENT and as soon as the danger has passed, the cat goes right back to sleeping. I wish I could do that. I tend to spend a lot of wasted time worrying and obsessing about things that not only do I have no control over, but even if I have control over something, I still second guess myself... maybe I should have done this, or done that, or done it this way and not that way.

I need to remember dancing. Dancing is totally in the moment. Can't undo a wrong move. Just have to keep going. While I'm dancing, if I start thinking about a wrong move, I completely lose the step and timing.

I'll just have to keep dancing and integrate that more into my life!

Disability Laws - Not for the Disabled

I really didn't know anything about Disability until my daughter was put on it due to having leukemia and the bone marrow transplant. This gives you a certain income a month (depending on how much you've earned) and you also get Medicare. It also means that if/when you are able to work, you can only earn a certain amount of income. This means that you live basically at the poverty level. About two years ago, Cristina's case came up for review. We got an attorney, but she was taken off disability. The "reason" given was that she was taking salsa lessons, so she didn't need disability. The fact of the matter is that it was doctor's "orders" that she do some form of exercise.

Steroids, which she was on for many years is muscle wasting and exercise is extremely important. We appealed the case for a year until, we reached the last court possible. Their decision was that since she no longer had leukemia that she didn't need disability. This has left Cristina with the need to work full time and the impossibility of getting medical coverage because of her "pre existing" condition. The Disability law is such that there is NO room for people who are partially disabled, like Cristina. She is managing to work full time, but that means she has little energy for any kind of life other than work. Worse still, she has no health insurance. What are people supposed to do? How can the richest country in the world do this to its people? How much more does she have to struggle? There seems to be no end in sight. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Can't get too much stronger than Cristina then!

It's a New Year Miracle!

When my daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and told that the best chance for survival was a bone marrow transplant, that's what she decided to do. We were told that she would not be able to have children after the transplant. She had total body irradiation (like being a ground zero at Hiroshima) and the most lethal chemotherapy. The treatment is to literally "kill" you to "cure" you.

While we were told that Cristina couldn't have children, neither of us recall being told that she would be in menopause. About a month after we got home from the transplant, she started getting really crazy. I called her nurse practitioner several times, but they had no answers. Finally, as I was getting more and more concerned, the nurse practitioner asked if Cristina was suicidal. I said no. She asked about Cristina's hormones. I said, "What hormones?" This led us to going to the hospital where Cristina was found to be in complete ovarian failure - menopause. This meant she had to go on hormone replacement therapy.

That was 13 years ago. Long story/short... Cristina went on a new hormone regime and she began menstruating (for the first time since she was 19). The doctor was very surprised and they took a sonogram to make sure everything was alright in her uterus. The doctor said everything was fine and that, as unlikely as it was, Cristina did have about a 5% chance of conceiving if she wanted to.

We could not believe it! We were both laughing and crying at the same time... and so were some of our friends! The first thing Cristina said to me after she told me the news was, "Well, they said I'd only have a 15% chance of surviving and here I am!"

I don't know whether or not Cristina will decide to try to get pregnant at some time in the future, but what a way to start the New Year! Truly a Miracle!

The Unicorn is one of the "magical" symbols and one of Cristina's favorites

Happy New Year! My Resolutions

I don't usually make New Year resolutions, but I've decided to try something new and do it... So here goes!

I will practice Yoga Nidra every day

I will be grateful every day

I will think about my accomplishments and not dwell on my shortcomings

I will do physical activity every day

I will eat healthy every day

I will have one "indulgence" every week

I will live in the here and now

I will do everything I can to bring peace to the world

I will not worry about my daughter

I will enjoy myself - whether alone or with other people

I will write a shorter list next year!